Unexpected turn of events

Published January 17, 2016 by mizzel21

You know that feeling of going to work just doing your thing and then everything changes in a second? – Well that happened to me on august 28 2015 when I was told that the company I worked for went bankrupt and I was out of a job.
It didn’t hit me when I first got the news, but oh boy did it hit me a few days later.

I loved my job – it was my dream job and all of the sudden it was gone and not by my own choice.  Losing my job opened up for a long row of emotions and thoughts that I didn’t even know I had.
I felt SO lost and SO alone that I became depressed once again. I wouldn’t get out of bed and went days without leaving the apartment or talk to anybody and at night I would cry myself to sleep. I felt like giving up.
I was unemployed, single, living alone, no plans and no ideas as to what I wanted to do with my life.
It went on like this for a few weeks when I finally decided to try and get out and make plans with friends. I knew I didn’t want to go back to the dark place that I had once been before, because if I did I knew that this time I wouldn’t come back from it. – Luckily I have been blessed with a friend that helped keep me sane. He kept me from going over the edge and for that I will always be grateful.

With his words of wisdom in mind I started to go out again. So I went to hear a band that my friend plays in. It was a perfect night out with good music, loads of alcohol and the best company you can have on a night out.  Little did I know I would meet a person that would end up becoming a huge part of my life.
I live two streets from the local pub that the band played at and so I made a deal with my Friend Kristian and his Friend Martin that the next time they were at the pub they should text me and I would come and join them. – A week later I receive a text to come to the pub. We ended up closing the bar and went home at 7 in the morning. We were hammered! But we had the best time and the week after the same thing happened again.  – Only this time I ended up talking with a very drunk Martin on the phone as he was walking home… he Kept telling me I wasn’t his mother that he had called and he kept talking about this HUGE badger or Dog he couldn’t tell that were chasing him on the graveyard the he was walking through.

Two days later I texted him and we haven’t stopped talking since then. In fact in November two days before my 25th birthday he asked me to be his girlfriend.  – yes world it is true, I am no longer single and I am currently in my longest relationship in my life.  (sad fact I know!)

I am in love with the best and sweetest guy I can imagine. I love him with all of my heart – it’s the kind of love where you get butterflies when you kiss, you get a goofy smile on your face just thinking about him.  But it is also a deep kind of love that can hurt me in so many ways if things don’t work out.
It’s a kind of love that I have never felt before and it scares the SHIT out of me.
I have no experience with this kind of relationship and at times that makes me feel lost. I know he loves me – he is really not the romantic guy at all, but there are moment where I can see it in his face, so when he tells me he loves me I believe him, which is something I have never believed before.
I still have to get use to being in a relationship and things are not perfect they never are and even though we are still very new and getting to know each other. I still have to get used to the fact that it is no just me, but that there is another person that have feelings and ideas and thoughts on how things should be. So when things start to bother me and I feel annoyed I try to calm myself down and remind myself that it is not just me anymore and that he might not have the same expectations as me.

It is not the easiest thing for me to do, because of my annoying habit of analyzing everything and not having any experience in the relationship department.
I remember the moment when I fell for him completely. I remember how he was and all the words he said – he doesn’t because he was drunk and that fact hurts me. I am not sure that It should it is not his fault but it’s a moment that means a great deal to me. I don’t hold it against him either, but sometimes I do wonder when the moment he fell for me was? Does he remember that moment as clearly I do mine?
I wonder what it was about me that he fell for and in my low self-esteem periods I wonder why he is even with me? – It is a terrible habit and I am trying to get rid of it and with time I am hoping I will.

I know Love and relationships are not easy and I know that I just have to get use to it.  I am happy and I wouldn’t give it up even when my mind is being doubtful. I love him more than I think he knows or realizes. I scares me because we are so new, but he keeps making me fall in love with him again and again in moments just between him and me.

So yeah my life has changed so much since august last year.  I still don’t have a steady job, no idea what to do with my life, but I have amazing friends that keeps me grounded and a boyfriend that loves me and I love him.
Things in my life have a tendency to changed unexpectedly, but I gotta say that this time I don’t mind the bad as much I as loved the good. I am still learning about the small things in life and I can honestly say that even though not much in my life at the moment makes sense I am genuinely happy.

Conflicted

Published May 30, 2015 by mizzel21

Have things ever happen to you that you never saw coming?? Things that will change how you feel, what you think and what you do?
It can be big or it can be small, but whatever it may be you can end up being so conflicted as too what you should do and what you should be feeling that you never actually find an exact conclusion to it all.  And every time you try to figure it out you change your mind.

I have tried this a few more times than I would wish for and for a few different reasons, but the most common one being people. The actions and decisions they made that I had no control over that ended up changing my life.
In a former post I wrote about how I really don’t like change, that I in fact hate it. Well what I hate more are the Changes I have no control over and don’t see coming.

Let me ask you this:
How would you feel if a Friend that became your best friend and knew more about you then any other person you know and you have only know each other for a few months, when that person drops a bomb and suddenly tells you he/she is madly in love with you and they did the most romantic things to show you just how much he/she meant it?
You keep saying no because you don’t feel the same and you hold on to that until that person leaves your life for a while because everything got too complicated with how everything happened. Then when he/she is out of your life you realize that maybe you had feelings but you could never do anything about it? What would you do??  How would you feel?
This happened to me and to this day whenever I think back to that crazy time in my life I always change my mind about how I feel about it all. Some days I feel sad, other days I sit with a huge smile on my face. I will never come to a conclusion with this story and I am not really sure I should…

Okay now let me ask you this:

What would you do and how would you feel if a person that became your friend, became someone that meant something too you in ways you are not even sure off, did something that was such a huge mistake that it ruined everything for a whole group of friends?
You know your feelings are not exactly the same as before and a few people have given up on this person. Should you let them go too? Or should you fight for what once was though nothing seems to have changed but everything did?
This happened to me not long ago and I am pretty sure this one is one I won’t figure out. I still fight between what I logically should be doing (which also is sort of the right thing to be doing) and what I am holding on too and hoping for. Though this person matters much to me and have helped me in more ways than he/she realizes, I am not sure the feelings are mutual.
Most days I am not sure what I am fighting for? What I am hoping will happen or what I hope to feel … what would you do? Cut them or give them a second chance?

I am the kind of person that likes to see the good in people. I like to hope for the best and am willing to give them second chances if they fuck up because I would like for people to do the same to me.
My problem is I might be hoping soo much for the best in people that I don’t let them go in time and it bites me in the ass.  I have tried that a few times more then what I would have liked and you can call me naive and say look at your past and learn for it.
I will admit that I am naive and that I should be smarter when things like that happened. But if you don’t know how you feel or what you think and you hope for the best in people.
When do you say no and just let people go?

When is enough, enough ?

Letters

Published April 8, 2015 by mizzel21

letter

Whatever happened to letters? Whatever happened to sitting down and taking your time to write what you think and feel and to show that you care so much that you are writing a personal letter to another person? Or the innocent letters you used to pass around to each other in school about what you should do for fun in the lunch break or talk about this week’s crush?

Sadly that sweet, romantic and personal way of communication is a dying art form. We are more about the instant message and communication, because that is just how the world works today and though I don’t send my letters I still write them.

It started when I was about 12 or 13 I think. Back when I felt like I had no one to talk to and I felt more like a burden than a joy to have around. I was never good at writing in a journal everyday and talking about what I did that day. But I liked to write. At first it was small poems and even a few stories but later on I started to write letters.
I wrote letters to the people in my life talking about how I felt about them or what I thought about what they were doing.  I wrote down the words I was too scared to tell them face to face.
Things that I felt I needed to say in some way or I would always come back to the same thing in my head. They were a sweet release with no consequences.
I also wrote letters to myself. Some were wise words to myself and others where questions about stuff that I was too afraid to ask people and even though I never got answers to my questions it always seem to help just the same.

Sadly the first book I filled is now lost between here and all the places I have visited since I first started it.
I am sad that I lost the book and my letters are lost forever, but maybe that is for the best… cause those letters were from a person that is long gone in a time that is too far away even if it all was just a moment ago.

I got a new book a few years ago, but I never used it until tonight. I haven’t written a letter in years (that hasn’t actually been sent to the person for which it was meant for). Lately I feel inspired and I can tell a few more are on the way in the next few weeks.
They are still letters to people in my life, some I still talk to and some that are no longer part of it.  It is still things that I am too scared to tell them face to face and some are just letter with things on my mind. Small things that the person doesn’t need to know, because it is properly just something in my head that I need to get out.
There will also be letters to myself and still letters with questions I will never know answers too…

It’s sad that the tradition of a handwritten letter have been lost with time but in my head even if the letters will never be read by anyone else but me the art form is never fully lost.

So tell me – Am I alone in writing letters?

Change, life and learning

Published March 31, 2015 by mizzel21

Things change whether you want them to or not. I fear change, I hate change but at the same time I need it.  live-life-quotes

 

 
I have a few memories from when I was in kinder-garden where I remember thinking to myself how I wanted my life to be. Who I would be, How I looked, what I did and who my friends where.  None of the things I imagined back then came true and for the most part I am okay with that and the parts that I am not okay with I can always change if I just put my mind to it.
I know change is part of life and it comes to us all – some good, some bad, some by choice and some forced upon us. Luckily most of my big changes have been on my own terms.
Like when I decided to leave home and travel alone which lead to me living abroad for two years. Moving from one city to the next not knowing what would happen or who I would meet and it was also the first time that I was no longer living with my parents. It was a huge change that feel right and that saved my life – That saved me. I was never really scared about it at all.
It was only when it was time to leave that I started to panic because I felt like I was home, that I belonged for the first time in a long time. I was leaving the most amazing people who became my family and I was going home to… well I had no idea. My friends had all gone on with their lives – Moved to other cities, were all in relationships and here I was coming back home to live with my parents with no job in sight at I was 23 years old.  It was a change that in a small way broke me for a while and I cried a lot when I first came back because I was lost.

Not long after new changes came. I got a new job and gained a small group of friends that I will treasure for a long long time and I moved out on my own once again but this time it was completely on my own.  It was not a hostel with 50 other people; it was not a house with 6 other people or a flat with a roommate. No it was completely on my own and it scared the shit out of me. It’s fair to say that I panicked a few days before I actually moved out thinking to me self “can I handle this? Will I fall back into old patterns? Will I handle not having anyone to come home to?  As it turns out I was more than okay. It was time for me and after two days I felt right at home and have never looked back. It was a change that is part of life and it had finally reached me.

Now I am by myself a lot and therefore have time to reflect on things in my life and here are a few things that I keep coming back to:

– I have 3 people in my life that know pretty much everything about me. One lives in Ireland and the other two just a small drive away. I will say I love all 3 of them with all my heart.
They mean more to me, then I think they realize and even though they know everything about me, they also know me in 3 different ways and I don’t mind that at all.
They keep me grounded and honest and I would say they are each my soul mate in their own right.

– A change that saddens me a lot is that I feel like I have lost my best friend. My oldest friend. We had that kind of relationship where we would just walk into each other’s houses without knocking, sit down and watch television for 4 hours and then leave again without ever having to say a word. We could tell when something was wrong, but then Life happened. I moved to another country and when I came back he had moved to the other side of the country. We lost touch because neither of us was good at calling the other to see how things are going.
Our relationship has been tested (mostly on my part, which I regret everyday). It’s fair to say we have been through hell and back and here is why I feel sad: I feel like I don’t know him anymore. Sure we talk and see each other whenever we can, but it is not the same. I feel like I am asking the same questions too much “who, what, when, where, how, why and are you sure?”
I guess that is just part of life, but this one I was hoping like hell it wouldn’t happen.

– I have gained a few new friends and gained contact to old ones in the last 2 years. They have made me feel at home here and somehow suppressed my need for living abroad. They make me smile and laugh and make my life here fun and give me memories I love to look back on.
One has changed my life and helped me in more ways than one and therefore means more to me then I think this person realize. I am grateful for all the help this person has given me and whether it is out of petty or compassion or whole other reason I really don’t care, because I could never thank this person enough and I will remember this person forever no matter what happens.

– If you meet me just 3 years ago, you would not meet the girl you see today. Sure I can still be shy and awkward but I am also the girl who loves to cuddle. I cry watching movies or commercials.
I can get emotional when I listen to music or reading a book. I am a hopeless romantic and love with all my heart, but I am also independent. You can ask me any question and you will get an honest answer. I don’t believe in God or heaven or hell, but I do believe that there is something out there. I love speaking English and find that if I really need to explain how I feel or think I want to do it in English because I feel like it expresses it better. I believe you have as many true loves in your life as you need, some just one while others have several. I am dreamer and a realist and I will stand up for myself when I am no longer okay with what is going on. I can’t picture myself getting old, but I can picture the house I want when I get older.  I am okay with whom I am as a person, sure I have my faults but they are faults that I can live with. There is however 2 things that scares the shit out of me.
1. I never really wanted to have kids. I just never saw them in my future, but in the resent years I have gone from – no to maybe – too finding myself thinking about how I would raise my kids and what their names would be.  This scares the hell out of me because I have no Idea how I would be as a mom? I fear that I would never be good enough.
2.  I am used to being on my own and taking care of myself.  I started at a young age and at my lowest I realized that sometimes you just have to do what you want to do and not wait for others. I look at my friends and see what they have with their better half and I get jealous and I feel alone.
My fear is that I am so independent and so use to being alone that I am not sure I will ever find someone to share my life with. That I have no idea how to be or work in a relationship but what scares me the most is that I am finding myself preparing to be alone and that I will be okay with it.

I know some of the things here might sound like I want pity and like I have some issues and you would be right I do have issues, but I never want pity when I am just telling my truth.

More changes are coming in the near future and though some isn’t directly mine they will still affect me. I am scared as hell and I hate it, but at the same time I know I need it. I sort of crave it because the biggest and scariest changes have been for the better and that is something I will always have to remember.

change

the bucketlist

Published January 1, 2015 by mizzel21

I have had a bucket list ever since I can remember.. well actually I have 2 list, but I am SO not putting the other one on here..  My bucket list is also in one of my pages, but I wanted to put it one here to maybe inspire you or maybe you can help me with some of them ? :)

Anyway here it is :)

My bucket list:

Things with FAT, I have done

Tings I want to do while traveling:

  1. Skydive
  2. Bundy jump.
  3. river raft in a big river ( USA)
  4. Scrubber dive
  5. Fly in a helicopter
  6. Go skiing
  7. Fly after a boat
  8. Have a bon fire.
  9. Try to Surf
  10. Try a water scooter.
  11. fly in an airballon
  12. Swim with the dolphins.
  13. Pet a kid panda
  14. Pet a kid tiger.
  15. Ride on a elephant
  16. Ride on a camel
  17. Walk on the Chinese wall
  18. backpack through a country
  19. work in another country 
  20. live in another country
  21. Live in Australia for a while
  22. Road trip through USA.
  23. Try a gondola ride in Venice
  24. Walk the el camino de Santiago
  25. Ride on a horse on the beach.
  26. Drive in a limo
  27. Watch the sky filled with stars outside, all night.

People I want to see in concert:

  1. Taylor swift
  2. Hozier
  3. Ed Sheeran
  4. Ella henderson
  5. Royal blood
  6. Justin Timberlake
  7. Beyoncé
  8. Britney spears
  9. Jeff Dunham show
  10. Snow Patrol
  11. Pink
  12. Rihanna
  13. Adele
  14. Dizzy mizz lizzy
  15. Dúné
  16. Lukas Graham

Things I want to learn :

  1. Learn to play the guitar
  2. Do a professional dance and performer it. (maybe music video)
  3. Learn sign language.
  4. Learn how to develop pictures the old fashion way.
  5. Learn to like sex
  6. learn to do make up
  7. learn a language that doesn’t require rolling your tongue

Things I want to do:

  1. Travel the world
  2. Help on a movie set.
  3. Get a tattoo
  4. Change a person’s life.
  5. Do voluntary work
  6. Be at 2 places at once
  7. Write a song.
  8. Free fall in tivolifriheden.
  9. Attend an Award show.
  10. Paintball
  11. go karting
  12. Try to make as many new years in one night as possible.
  13. Be backstage at a concert
  14. Get a makeover
  15. Walk in a fashion show.
  16. Try “ the fat body suit of wrestling”
  17. Own my own car
  18. Try to be in love
  19.  Graduate
  20. Get a real birthday kiss
  21. Get a real new years kiss
  22. Own my own Guitar!
  23. Watch the sky filled with stars outside, all night.
  24. Road trip through Europe
  25. Get a real body massage
  26. Try to be a photographer.
  27. Have a poem published one day
  28. Have a girly day ( massages, nails done, facials, hair and makeup done, shopping)
  29. Work in 5 different countries excl DK.
  30. Do voluntary work abroad for 2 weeks.
  31. Open a bar and a cinema.

What I have learned about myself so far..

Published November 20, 2014 by mizzel21

Its funny how much you can change and figure out in 6 moths of living alone.

It was a long road to living on my own but I love the way I did it. Instead of just moving out of my parent’s house and on my own. I moved from my parents to a Hostel with 90 other people and sharing a room with my 2 big sisters, to living in a house with 7 people, to a flat with 1 roommate, then back to my parents and now I am finally on my own and despite the fear I had about living alone and having to handle everything myself , I can honestly say that I love it. I just turned 24 and have now lived on  my own for about 7 months and I am amazed at how much I have learned and realized about my self and about my life and who I am. It was hard in the beginning because I was not used to having so much time alone and it kinda scared me, because I could feel myself fall into the bad habit of thinking too much and dragging myself down. So one day I decided to just stop. I was tired of making my self sad and depressed.  I learned to stop myself before the thinking got too serious. I would listen to some music, go for a walk or just clean my flat. This brings me to why I am writing this evening. I wanted to share some of the things I learned so far:

– I learned that the most important relationship in your entire life is the one you have with your self. Treat your self to some flowers or buy your self something you always wanted or cook yourself a nice meal. I have learned that the little things that I do for my self are the best way to keep me smiling in the long run.

– I can’t change how my childhood was or how my Parents handled things but I have come to realize that they did they best that they could and  if I say so myself I didn’t turn out that bad.  Sure I have some issues, who doesn’t? And I am not perfect but then again who is?

– The older I get the more I realize things from my childhood. Something’s are good and some not so good, sure I have forgiven my parents, but there are still things I am bitter and hold a grudge about but the thing with that is.: They are my grudges to let go. People can’t change what they did or why they did it and neither can I.  but I can make sure that I will be okay with all in the long run this is a slow process but it is working. –  Sex still scares me. I have told a few guys about my fear of sex. (This is not a secret if you read some of my perverse blogs). We’ve talked openly about it, nothing was left out and the more we would talk about it the freer and relaxed I became. Even if it was just a friend or a date that never became more than a date. I feel like the few times I have talked about it a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and the pressure to have sex felt away. We could go in my speed and they would be okay with it.  I still haven’t had sex since that day many years ago, but I am letting my guard down more and more and I also realized that it doesn’t have to be a boyfriend that helps me. No It could be anybody as long as we were comfortable and could maybe joke about it instead of making things awkward when things might go wrong. As long as we where honest about the good and bad stuff then, almost anybody would do ;)

– I am a dreamer at heart, but I am also a realist. I dream all the time that Mr Grey would come into the store and change my life, that I am the one winning the lottery or that I would invent something that would change the world or fast-forward to the point where I lost weight so that I would be skinny But this is where my realism comes into play. I know I won’t win the lottery without buying  a ticket, I won’t lose weight without doing the work and I am so not smart enough to change the world, but girl can dream, can’t she?

– For some reason if I am talking to a guy and I think there might be more to our relationship than friends, then I start to freak out. I don’t know how to handle myself or know what to do. It’s like I panic and start to think that they wouldn’t like me, they will run scared when they would see me naked, they would think I was too dumb to carry a conversation etc. its like when it comes to being intimate I back out and I am ” shit I can’t do this!” and then just cut the person out.  I have no idea why that is, because I am a very open person but when it comes down to the intimate part of getting to know one another I need us to do it as friends first. Build a friendship first and then feeling might develop. It has happen to me a few times before and for some reason this is more relaxing for me.

– I know I am overweight. I have stretch marks and have had them since I was 15 years old. They will never go away and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate it but I have come to terms with it. I have never been comfortable in my own skin and never liked me without clothes on, but I am learning to love myself. One way is to do the small stuff for myself and the other is to look myself in the mirror and say  “You might not be a model, but you look good that way you are and hey it could be a lot worse!!

– I find guys who can plan an instrument really sexy!  It can be any instrument but if he can play wither, drums, keyboard/piano or guitar then he just got 10 times more hot! I hope one day I might find a guy that can help me learn how to play my guitar that I got as a gift a few years ago. –  I have learned that if my day of heaven is sitting on the couch and watching movies and not being out rocky climbing or saving the world, then that is okay. I can’t live my life like someone else’s. This is my life and I am getting better at accepting it and making it better J – I realized I love making people happy and being there for them.  If I can make you smile by doing a silly dance, give you a hug or making fun of myself.  Then I would happily do it. It really puts a smile on my face and love in my heart, knowing I made your day better by being in it. It is the same if I am doing a job or doing a favor, that I do it so well that you are impressed by me and that I in some way have pleased you. That only makes me want to do it more, because I am happy that I did such a good job, that I made you life easier or just took a little weight of your shoulders.

– I have learned to just say fuck it! With most things. I say this to either just go for things I want or just to let the small things go. Life is just short to make the small stuff your world and sometimes I just need the push to just go for it. So my new saying is:
AGH FUCK IT!

SO this was just some of the things I learned about myself and I know I will continue to learn and I hope that maybe you get inspired to help yourself? Feel free to ask me anything if you need answers to things I have written about or if you are confused about something.

 Now go and learn about yourself – You might just change your life!

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