You know that feeling of going to work just doing your thing and then everything changes in a second? – Well that happened to me on august 28 2015 when I was told that the company I worked for went bankrupt and I was out of a job.
It didn’t hit me when I first got the news, but oh boy did it hit me a few days later.
I loved my job – it was my dream job and all of the sudden it was gone and not by my own choice. Losing my job opened up for a long row of emotions and thoughts that I didn’t even know I had.
I felt SO lost and SO alone that I became depressed once again. I wouldn’t get out of bed and went days without leaving the apartment or talk to anybody and at night I would cry myself to sleep. I felt like giving up.
I was unemployed, single, living alone, no plans and no ideas as to what I wanted to do with my life.
It went on like this for a few weeks when I finally decided to try and get out and make plans with friends. I knew I didn’t want to go back to the dark place that I had once been before, because if I did I knew that this time I wouldn’t come back from it. – Luckily I have been blessed with a friend that helped keep me sane. He kept me from going over the edge and for that I will always be grateful.
With his words of wisdom in mind I started to go out again. So I went to hear a band that my friend plays in. It was a perfect night out with good music, loads of alcohol and the best company you can have on a night out. Little did I know I would meet a person that would end up becoming a huge part of my life.
I live two streets from the local pub that the band played at and so I made a deal with my Friend Kristian and his Friend Martin that the next time they were at the pub they should text me and I would come and join them. – A week later I receive a text to come to the pub. We ended up closing the bar and went home at 7 in the morning. We were hammered! But we had the best time and the week after the same thing happened again. – Only this time I ended up talking with a very drunk Martin on the phone as he was walking home… he Kept telling me I wasn’t his mother that he had called and he kept talking about this HUGE badger or Dog he couldn’t tell that were chasing him on the graveyard the he was walking through.
Two days later I texted him and we haven’t stopped talking since then. In fact in November two days before my 25th birthday he asked me to be his girlfriend. – yes world it is true, I am no longer single and I am currently in my longest relationship in my life. (sad fact I know!)
I am in love with the best and sweetest guy I can imagine. I love him with all of my heart – it’s the kind of love where you get butterflies when you kiss, you get a goofy smile on your face just thinking about him. But it is also a deep kind of love that can hurt me in so many ways if things don’t work out.
It’s a kind of love that I have never felt before and it scares the SHIT out of me.
I have no experience with this kind of relationship and at times that makes me feel lost. I know he loves me – he is really not the romantic guy at all, but there are moment where I can see it in his face, so when he tells me he loves me I believe him, which is something I have never believed before.
I still have to get use to being in a relationship and things are not perfect they never are and even though we are still very new and getting to know each other. I still have to get used to the fact that it is no just me, but that there is another person that have feelings and ideas and thoughts on how things should be. So when things start to bother me and I feel annoyed I try to calm myself down and remind myself that it is not just me anymore and that he might not have the same expectations as me.
It is not the easiest thing for me to do, because of my annoying habit of analyzing everything and not having any experience in the relationship department.
I remember the moment when I fell for him completely. I remember how he was and all the words he said – he doesn’t because he was drunk and that fact hurts me. I am not sure that It should it is not his fault but it’s a moment that means a great deal to me. I don’t hold it against him either, but sometimes I do wonder when the moment he fell for me was? Does he remember that moment as clearly I do mine?
I wonder what it was about me that he fell for and in my low self-esteem periods I wonder why he is even with me? – It is a terrible habit and I am trying to get rid of it and with time I am hoping I will.
I know Love and relationships are not easy and I know that I just have to get use to it. I am happy and I wouldn’t give it up even when my mind is being doubtful. I love him more than I think he knows or realizes. I scares me because we are so new, but he keeps making me fall in love with him again and again in moments just between him and me.
So yeah my life has changed so much since august last year. I still don’t have a steady job, no idea what to do with my life, but I have amazing friends that keeps me grounded and a boyfriend that loves me and I love him.
Things in my life have a tendency to changed unexpectedly, but I gotta say that this time I don’t mind the bad as much I as loved the good. I am still learning about the small things in life and I can honestly say that even though not much in my life at the moment makes sense I am genuinely happy.