after 3 weeks I finally have my computer back and with that I want to share my songs obsessions that I think everybody needs to know! so here they are:
this is the orginal version and is much better than the remix everyone knows.
after 3 weeks I finally have my computer back and with that I want to share my songs obsessions that I think everybody needs to know! so here they are:
this is the orginal version and is much better than the remix everyone knows.
Have things ever happen to you that you never saw coming?? Things that will change how you feel, what you think and what you do?
It can be big or it can be small, but whatever it may be you can end up being so conflicted as too what you should do and what you should be feeling that you never actually find an exact conclusion to it all. And every time you try to figure it out you change your mind.
I have tried this a few more times than I would wish for and for a few different reasons, but the most common one being people. The actions and decisions they made that I had no control over that ended up changing my life.
In a former post I wrote about how I really don’t like change, that I in fact hate it. Well what I hate more are the Changes I have no control over and don’t see coming.
Let me ask you this:
How would you feel if a Friend that became your best friend and knew more about you then any other person you know and you have only know each other for a few months, when that person drops a bomb and suddenly tells you he/she is madly in love with you and they did the most romantic things to show you just how much he/she meant it?
You keep saying no because you don’t feel the same and you hold on to that until that person leaves your life for a while because everything got too complicated with how everything happened. Then when he/she is out of your life you realize that maybe you had feelings but you could never do anything about it? What would you do?? How would you feel?
This happened to me and to this day whenever I think back to that crazy time in my life I always change my mind about how I feel about it all. Some days I feel sad, other days I sit with a huge smile on my face. I will never come to a conclusion with this story and I am not really sure I should…
Okay now let me ask you this:
What would you do and how would you feel if a person that became your friend, became someone that meant something too you in ways you are not even sure off, did something that was such a huge mistake that it ruined everything for a whole group of friends?
You know your feelings are not exactly the same as before and a few people have given up on this person. Should you let them go too? Or should you fight for what once was though nothing seems to have changed but everything did?
This happened to me not long ago and I am pretty sure this one is one I won’t figure out. I still fight between what I logically should be doing (which also is sort of the right thing to be doing) and what I am holding on too and hoping for. Though this person matters much to me and have helped me in more ways than he/she realizes, I am not sure the feelings are mutual.
Most days I am not sure what I am fighting for? What I am hoping will happen or what I hope to feel … what would you do? Cut them or give them a second chance?
I am the kind of person that likes to see the good in people. I like to hope for the best and am willing to give them second chances if they fuck up because I would like for people to do the same to me.
My problem is I might be hoping soo much for the best in people that I don’t let them go in time and it bites me in the ass. I have tried that a few times more then what I would have liked and you can call me naive and say look at your past and learn for it.
I will admit that I am naive and that I should be smarter when things like that happened. But if you don’t know how you feel or what you think and you hope for the best in people.
When do you say no and just let people go?
When is enough, enough ?
Whatever happened to letters? Whatever happened to sitting down and taking your time to write what you think and feel and to show that you care so much that you are writing a personal letter to another person? Or the innocent letters you used to pass around to each other in school about what you should do for fun in the lunch break or talk about this week’s crush?
Sadly that sweet, romantic and personal way of communication is a dying art form. We are more about the instant message and communication, because that is just how the world works today and though I don’t send my letters I still write them.
It started when I was about 12 or 13 I think. Back when I felt like I had no one to talk to and I felt more like a burden than a joy to have around. I was never good at writing in a journal everyday and talking about what I did that day. But I liked to write. At first it was small poems and even a few stories but later on I started to write letters.
I wrote letters to the people in my life talking about how I felt about them or what I thought about what they were doing. I wrote down the words I was too scared to tell them face to face.
Things that I felt I needed to say in some way or I would always come back to the same thing in my head. They were a sweet release with no consequences.
I also wrote letters to myself. Some were wise words to myself and others where questions about stuff that I was too afraid to ask people and even though I never got answers to my questions it always seem to help just the same.
Sadly the first book I filled is now lost between here and all the places I have visited since I first started it.
I am sad that I lost the book and my letters are lost forever, but maybe that is for the best… cause those letters were from a person that is long gone in a time that is too far away even if it all was just a moment ago.
I got a new book a few years ago, but I never used it until tonight. I haven’t written a letter in years (that hasn’t actually been sent to the person for which it was meant for). Lately I feel inspired and I can tell a few more are on the way in the next few weeks.
They are still letters to people in my life, some I still talk to and some that are no longer part of it. It is still things that I am too scared to tell them face to face and some are just letter with things on my mind. Small things that the person doesn’t need to know, because it is properly just something in my head that I need to get out.
There will also be letters to myself and still letters with questions I will never know answers too…
It’s sad that the tradition of a handwritten letter have been lost with time but in my head even if the letters will never be read by anyone else but me the art form is never fully lost.
So tell me – Am I alone in writing letters?
I have a few memories from when I was in kinder-garden where I remember thinking to myself how I wanted my life to be. Who I would be, How I looked, what I did and who my friends where. None of the things I imagined back then came true and for the most part I am okay with that and the parts that I am not okay with I can always change if I just put my mind to it.
I know change is part of life and it comes to us all – some good, some bad, some by choice and some forced upon us. Luckily most of my big changes have been on my own terms.
Like when I decided to leave home and travel alone which lead to me living abroad for two years. Moving from one city to the next not knowing what would happen or who I would meet and it was also the first time that I was no longer living with my parents. It was a huge change that feel right and that saved my life – That saved me. I was never really scared about it at all.
It was only when it was time to leave that I started to panic because I felt like I was home, that I belonged for the first time in a long time. I was leaving the most amazing people who became my family and I was going home to… well I had no idea. My friends had all gone on with their lives – Moved to other cities, were all in relationships and here I was coming back home to live with my parents with no job in sight at I was 23 years old. It was a change that in a small way broke me for a while and I cried a lot when I first came back because I was lost.
Not long after new changes came. I got a new job and gained a small group of friends that I will treasure for a long long time and I moved out on my own once again but this time it was completely on my own. It was not a hostel with 50 other people; it was not a house with 6 other people or a flat with a roommate. No it was completely on my own and it scared the shit out of me. It’s fair to say that I panicked a few days before I actually moved out thinking to me self “can I handle this? Will I fall back into old patterns? Will I handle not having anyone to come home to? As it turns out I was more than okay. It was time for me and after two days I felt right at home and have never looked back. It was a change that is part of life and it had finally reached me.
Now I am by myself a lot and therefore have time to reflect on things in my life and here are a few things that I keep coming back to:
– I have 3 people in my life that know pretty much everything about me. One lives in Ireland and the other two just a small drive away. I will say I love all 3 of them with all my heart.
They mean more to me, then I think they realize and even though they know everything about me, they also know me in 3 different ways and I don’t mind that at all.
They keep me grounded and honest and I would say they are each my soul mate in their own right.
– A change that saddens me a lot is that I feel like I have lost my best friend. My oldest friend. We had that kind of relationship where we would just walk into each other’s houses without knocking, sit down and watch television for 4 hours and then leave again without ever having to say a word. We could tell when something was wrong, but then Life happened. I moved to another country and when I came back he had moved to the other side of the country. We lost touch because neither of us was good at calling the other to see how things are going.
Our relationship has been tested (mostly on my part, which I regret everyday). It’s fair to say we have been through hell and back and here is why I feel sad: I feel like I don’t know him anymore. Sure we talk and see each other whenever we can, but it is not the same. I feel like I am asking the same questions too much “who, what, when, where, how, why and are you sure?”
I guess that is just part of life, but this one I was hoping like hell it wouldn’t happen.
– I have gained a few new friends and gained contact to old ones in the last 2 years. They have made me feel at home here and somehow suppressed my need for living abroad. They make me smile and laugh and make my life here fun and give me memories I love to look back on.
One has changed my life and helped me in more ways than one and therefore means more to me then I think this person realize. I am grateful for all the help this person has given me and whether it is out of petty or compassion or whole other reason I really don’t care, because I could never thank this person enough and I will remember this person forever no matter what happens.
– If you meet me just 3 years ago, you would not meet the girl you see today. Sure I can still be shy and awkward but I am also the girl who loves to cuddle. I cry watching movies or commercials.
I can get emotional when I listen to music or reading a book. I am a hopeless romantic and love with all my heart, but I am also independent. You can ask me any question and you will get an honest answer. I don’t believe in God or heaven or hell, but I do believe that there is something out there. I love speaking English and find that if I really need to explain how I feel or think I want to do it in English because I feel like it expresses it better. I believe you have as many true loves in your life as you need, some just one while others have several. I am dreamer and a realist and I will stand up for myself when I am no longer okay with what is going on. I can’t picture myself getting old, but I can picture the house I want when I get older. I am okay with whom I am as a person, sure I have my faults but they are faults that I can live with. There is however 2 things that scares the shit out of me.
1. I never really wanted to have kids. I just never saw them in my future, but in the resent years I have gone from – no to maybe – too finding myself thinking about how I would raise my kids and what their names would be. This scares the hell out of me because I have no Idea how I would be as a mom? I fear that I would never be good enough.
2. I am used to being on my own and taking care of myself. I started at a young age and at my lowest I realized that sometimes you just have to do what you want to do and not wait for others. I look at my friends and see what they have with their better half and I get jealous and I feel alone.
My fear is that I am so independent and so use to being alone that I am not sure I will ever find someone to share my life with. That I have no idea how to be or work in a relationship but what scares me the most is that I am finding myself preparing to be alone and that I will be okay with it.
I know some of the things here might sound like I want pity and like I have some issues and you would be right I do have issues, but I never want pity when I am just telling my truth.
More changes are coming in the near future and though some isn’t directly mine they will still affect me. I am scared as hell and I hate it, but at the same time I know I need it. I sort of crave it because the biggest and scariest changes have been for the better and that is something I will always have to remember.
I have had a bucket list ever since I can remember.. well actually I have 2 list, but I am SO not putting the other one on here.. My bucket list is also in one of my pages, but I wanted to put it one here to maybe inspire you or maybe you can help me with some of them ? :)
Anyway here it is :)
My bucket list:
Things with FAT, I have done
Tings I want to do while traveling:
People I want to see in concert:
Things I want to learn :
Things I want to do:
Its funny how much you can change and figure out in 6 moths of living alone.
It was a long road to living on my own but I love the way I did it. Instead of just moving out of my parent’s house and on my own. I moved from my parents to a Hostel with 90 other people and sharing a room with my 2 big sisters, to living in a house with 7 people, to a flat with 1 roommate, then back to my parents and now I am finally on my own and despite the fear I had about living alone and having to handle everything myself , I can honestly say that I love it. I just turned 24 and have now lived on my own for about 7 months and I am amazed at how much I have learned and realized about my self and about my life and who I am. It was hard in the beginning because I was not used to having so much time alone and it kinda scared me, because I could feel myself fall into the bad habit of thinking too much and dragging myself down. So one day I decided to just stop. I was tired of making my self sad and depressed. I learned to stop myself before the thinking got too serious. I would listen to some music, go for a walk or just clean my flat. This brings me to why I am writing this evening. I wanted to share some of the things I learned so far:
– I learned that the most important relationship in your entire life is the one you have with your self. Treat your self to some flowers or buy your self something you always wanted or cook yourself a nice meal. I have learned that the little things that I do for my self are the best way to keep me smiling in the long run.
– I can’t change how my childhood was or how my Parents handled things but I have come to realize that they did they best that they could and if I say so myself I didn’t turn out that bad. Sure I have some issues, who doesn’t? And I am not perfect but then again who is?
– The older I get the more I realize things from my childhood. Something’s are good and some not so good, sure I have forgiven my parents, but there are still things I am bitter and hold a grudge about but the thing with that is.: They are my grudges to let go. People can’t change what they did or why they did it and neither can I. but I can make sure that I will be okay with all in the long run this is a slow process but it is working. – Sex still scares me. I have told a few guys about my fear of sex. (This is not a secret if you read some of my perverse blogs). We’ve talked openly about it, nothing was left out and the more we would talk about it the freer and relaxed I became. Even if it was just a friend or a date that never became more than a date. I feel like the few times I have talked about it a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and the pressure to have sex felt away. We could go in my speed and they would be okay with it. I still haven’t had sex since that day many years ago, but I am letting my guard down more and more and I also realized that it doesn’t have to be a boyfriend that helps me. No It could be anybody as long as we were comfortable and could maybe joke about it instead of making things awkward when things might go wrong. As long as we where honest about the good and bad stuff then, almost anybody would do ;)
– I am a dreamer at heart, but I am also a realist. I dream all the time that Mr Grey would come into the store and change my life, that I am the one winning the lottery or that I would invent something that would change the world or fast-forward to the point where I lost weight so that I would be skinny But this is where my realism comes into play. I know I won’t win the lottery without buying a ticket, I won’t lose weight without doing the work and I am so not smart enough to change the world, but girl can dream, can’t she?
– For some reason if I am talking to a guy and I think there might be more to our relationship than friends, then I start to freak out. I don’t know how to handle myself or know what to do. It’s like I panic and start to think that they wouldn’t like me, they will run scared when they would see me naked, they would think I was too dumb to carry a conversation etc. its like when it comes to being intimate I back out and I am ” shit I can’t do this!” and then just cut the person out. I have no idea why that is, because I am a very open person but when it comes down to the intimate part of getting to know one another I need us to do it as friends first. Build a friendship first and then feeling might develop. It has happen to me a few times before and for some reason this is more relaxing for me.
– I know I am overweight. I have stretch marks and have had them since I was 15 years old. They will never go away and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate it but I have come to terms with it. I have never been comfortable in my own skin and never liked me without clothes on, but I am learning to love myself. One way is to do the small stuff for myself and the other is to look myself in the mirror and say “You might not be a model, but you look good that way you are and hey it could be a lot worse!!
– I find guys who can plan an instrument really sexy! It can be any instrument but if he can play wither, drums, keyboard/piano or guitar then he just got 10 times more hot! I hope one day I might find a guy that can help me learn how to play my guitar that I got as a gift a few years ago. – I have learned that if my day of heaven is sitting on the couch and watching movies and not being out rocky climbing or saving the world, then that is okay. I can’t live my life like someone else’s. This is my life and I am getting better at accepting it and making it better J – I realized I love making people happy and being there for them. If I can make you smile by doing a silly dance, give you a hug or making fun of myself. Then I would happily do it. It really puts a smile on my face and love in my heart, knowing I made your day better by being in it. It is the same if I am doing a job or doing a favor, that I do it so well that you are impressed by me and that I in some way have pleased you. That only makes me want to do it more, because I am happy that I did such a good job, that I made you life easier or just took a little weight of your shoulders.
– I have learned to just say fuck it! With most things. I say this to either just go for things I want or just to let the small things go. Life is just short to make the small stuff your world and sometimes I just need the push to just go for it. So my new saying is:
AGH FUCK IT!
SO this was just some of the things I learned about myself and I know I will continue to learn and I hope that maybe you get inspired to help yourself? Feel free to ask me anything if you need answers to things I have written about or if you are confused about something.
Now go and learn about yourself – You might just change your life!
A few months ago one of my best friends asked me where do I go when I at times just zone out. I told her that I go no where that I just zone out and that was the truth but not all of it. I also zone out when things become too much.
After she asked me the question I started to wonder about what I actually said to her and what I was thinking.
You see I try to be a happy optimistic person, because nothing gives me greater joy than being able to help others or just to put a smile on people’s faces, but what most people don’t see or what I am trying not to let them see is that I can often make myself very sad. I make my self sad because I go into my head a lot. I found out that I am HSP ( Highly Sensitive Person, I will discuss this another time) and that at times makes my thoughts is my worst enemy and not only that but I have a lot of bitterness within me that I have so much trouble letting go. I am working hard at it everyday and at times I can feel like I am letting it all go, but my fear is that I never let it go completely.
One of the bigger bitterness things is my family and here is why:
For the most part I have had a normal childhood. I have parents that loves me and I have a love hate relationship with my brother. I had good friends and I was never bullied, but what people didn’t see or at least I don’t think people noticed besides the close family is all the trouble.
Ahh where to begin…
My brother was the problem child or what some people would say the black sheep in the family. He got in trouble with the law multiple times, he got addicted to drugs for a while, he hung out with the wrong people and just wouldn’t do anything right. He was growing up and being a kid (at the time though not a good one) and with all the trouble he got into my parents got more and more worried and had to watch over him more and more which in the end meant that he got most of the attention and I sort of got left behind.
I grew up quick and I learned fast how to take care of my self and to stay out-of-the-way because I felt like they had enough problems with my brother and I didn’t want to give them more to worry about.
I saw my parents and my brother get into so many arguments and yell at each other so many times that I am too afraid to count. I always knew when things where rally bad because the living room door would always be closed when they needed to discuss really big and heavy things, which again meant I was left in my room to wonder what had happened this time and I had to keep my self entertain. At times the yelling and tension was too much that I often cried myself to sleep at night.
This circle of life went on for a few years: My mom crying in the living room, My brother and father at each others throat that at times it looked like it was gonna get psychical. I don’t know what changed but my brother turned his life around. Cut all of the wrong people out of his life, stopped the drugs and got a really sweet girlfriend. He started to enjoy life – but for me the damages was already done and
People always say being the youngest child have it easy, because all the mistakes a parent make they make with the first one cause they have no clue as to what they are doing. Though in my case I think mine did some big ones with us both.
they were babying my brother and they left me alone.
I love my parents but at the same time I am SO bitter toward my family. I know my parents did they best they could and that they were trying to make everything work, but I am bitter because I was forced to grow up in an early age. I missed out on so many things that I am still trying to make up for now. at age 13 – 14 I was sitting with a feeling that I couldn’t mess up or do anything wrong because my parents had been through enough with my brother. I didn’t want my mom to cry anymore or my dad to get pissed of yet again. I felt I had to be the good one and not say anything to burden them. (The feeling of having to be the good one I have to say is not just on my brother, because I have two cousins: One same age as my brother and one same age as me and we were all close ( my mom and aunt are twins so we hung out a lot). They were from a small town, but they sure as hell also knew how to get into trouble and make a mess. So from that side as well I felt I had to be the good one, to make up for all the trouble they all got into. Being good though also made me feel left out because my brother and two cousins would often go to parties together and do other stuff that I would never get invited to. I have never known why, but I always felt like it was because they resented me for “being” like the good one.)
I am hurt that my farther only tells me what he feels when he is so drunk that I am sure he doesn’t remember what he said the next day. One drunken day I asked him if I ever moved abroad would he ever come visit me? ( I lived in Ireland for 2 years and he never came over) and he told me: of course I would love to come visit you, but if you brother wanted to come and he didn’t any money I would give him my ticket. That was the day I realised that my farther would rather help his son go traveling, then see his own daughter. It broke me a little inside.
I was tired of my mother talking to me as a friend and not a daughter. She was telling me he fears and frustration about my brother and my farther and I really didn’t want to hear about it, because that was not something you should discuss with your daughter. I was just to afraid to tell her and hurt her feelings. – Today I don’t mind so much, because I have since then learned to speak my mind and tell her if there is something I don’t’ want to talked about or hear about.
I am however mostly bitter at my big brother because I don’t think he has a clue just how much his actions effected me and I am sure that he doesn’t give a shit either. I get that he has/had a right to just live his life, but at the same time he is the oldest one. He was supposed to protect his baby sister – and he always said he would kick any guys ass, if he ever hurt me. I just don’t think he knew that he is the one that has hurt me the most. He was supposed to lead, but he never did.
I have always been a good sister , you can ask anyone that knows me. I have lent him money, I have picked him up drunk in the middle of the night, helped him set up dates, tried to help him with his homework. You name it and I think I have almost done it for him and I never got anything in return. I got a brother that when he was drunk he would get into fights, break my things and never replace them, smoke in my old room and ruin all the important documents and pictures I had in there, a brother that could never take care of him self. He made me grow up at 13 and at 27 he is just starting to.
At the moment I am not talking to my brother and I haven’t for almost a yeah now. I thought I was over everything and it properly had something to do with the fact that I lived in Ireland for 2 years. I moved back home to my parents upon coming home from Ireland because I didn’t have any money and when I moved back my brother was living there again. Everything was fine in the beginning for the four of us to be living under the same roof again, but after a few months after my brother lost his job. I started to get enough of him and his attitude again. If food wasn’t ready on time he would be irritated, if there wasn’t enough food in the fridge he would get irritated, he would be pissed if he didn’t get to borrow the car yet again or if he couldn’t borrow anymore money. So one day I just blew up and told him to grow up and get a job and do something with him self instead of playing computer games until 4 o’clock in the morning and sleep the day away. I yelled, he yelled and then he tried to push me out of the room, just as my dad came up to see what was going on while my mom was hiding in the bathroom, too avoid getting involved. 2 days later my brother moved out and when my mom asked if he needed help, he told her that they never helped him, so why start now or something in those lines. Once again my mom was crying over a ungrateful son.
The day of the fight I realised yet another thing. I went to apologise to my mom for starting the fight, and she told me that she agreed with everything that I said to him, but that if she got involved she would have taken his side, because she didn’t want him to stand alone. That’s when I realised that I have a mother that would always take my brother’s side no matter what.
I am bitter at my family and I am trying to get over It. I will have to say in their defense that for the most part I am happy with the person that I have become. I can take of my self and I am not afraid to do things alone, I hate borrowing money and I will help anyone that needs my help.. So out of the not do great came something good. If it was not for the bad I would not be who I am today. I am just sad about what I have lost and missed out on and I am hurt that I don’t think any of them have a clue just how hurt I am. I will also say that as mush as I am hurt and so done with my brother at the moment I am also jealous of his care free way. I am jealous that he just do what he wants and doesn’t give a shit about what people thing. I do admire the guy and I know that he is smart, if he want to be. We are also similar in ways that we have no clue what we what to do in life or where we are going. we just take it as it comes and we love to travel and as I write this my brother is having the time of his life in Spain and I can only say it is about time..
The problems with my family is not the only thing that makes me sad, but at the moment it is the biggest ting. I will talk about some of the other things in others post. I just came to a point that I needed to get it out. I was going to talk to them all face to face, but I am to chicken to do it, so I did it here. I am sorry if this hurts my family if they read this, but this is my mental escape. This is where I say what I trouble saying out loud. I have learned that you need to take the bad with the good and learn from it and at one point you just need to let it go. though it is harder said then done.
I don’t think they know much of it. I do not hate my family and I am sure I don’t have all the stories of why my brother did what he did when he was younger or why my parents did they things they did.
This is just my some of my truth in the story that was my childhood into adult life with my family and I can only tell what I feel and hopefully it will set me free…..
Take a break from life. Sit back. Enjoy the sounds.
Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences
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About Mental Health, Daily Struggles, and Whatever Else Pops in My Head