hurtful honesty…

Published July 22, 2014 by mizzel21

A few months ago one of my best friends asked me where do I go when I at times just zone out.  I told her that I go no where that I just zone out and that was the truth but not all of it.  I also zone out when things become too much.
After she asked me the question I started to wonder about what I actually said to her and what I was thinking.
You see I  try to be a happy optimistic person, because nothing gives me greater joy than being able to help others or just to put a smile on people’s faces, but what most people don’t see or what I am trying not to let them see is that I can often make myself very sad. I make my self sad because I go into my head a lot. I found out that I am HSP ( Highly Sensitive Person, I will discuss this another time) and that at times makes my thoughts is my worst enemy and not only that but I have a lot of bitterness within me that I have so much trouble letting go. I am working hard at it everyday and at times I can feel like I am letting it all go, but my fear is that I never let it go completely.

One of the bigger bitterness things is my family and here is why:
For the most part I have had a normal childhood. I have parents that loves me and I have a love hate relationship with my brother. I had good friends and I was never bullied, but what people didn’t see or at least I don’t think people noticed besides the close family is all the trouble.

Ahh where to begin…
My brother was the problem child or what some people would say the black sheep in the family. He got in trouble with the law multiple times, he got addicted to drugs for a while, he hung out with the wrong people and just wouldn’t do anything right. He was growing up and being a kid (at the time though not a good one) and with all the trouble he got into my parents got more and more worried and had to watch over him more and more which in the end meant that he got most of the attention and I sort of got left behind.
I grew up quick and I learned fast how to take care of my self and to stay out-of-the-way because I felt like they had enough problems with my brother and I didn’t want to give them more to worry about.
I saw my parents and my brother get into so many arguments and yell at each other so many times that I am too afraid to count. I always knew when things where rally bad because the living room door would always be closed when they needed to discuss really big and heavy things, which again meant I was left in my room to wonder  what had happened this time and I had to keep my self entertain. At times the yelling and tension was too much that I often cried myself to sleep at night.
This circle of life went on for a few years:  My mom crying in the living room, My brother and father at each others throat that at times it  looked like it was gonna get psychical.  I don’t know what changed but my brother turned his life around. Cut all of the wrong people out of his life, stopped the drugs  and got a really sweet girlfriend. He started to enjoy life – but for me the damages was already done and

People always say being the youngest child have it easy, because all the mistakes a parent make they make with the first one cause they have no clue as to what they are doing. Though in my case I think mine did some big ones with us both.
they were babying my brother and they left me alone.
I love my parents but at the same time I am SO bitter toward my family.  I know my parents did they best they could and that they were trying to make everything work, but I am bitter because I was forced to grow up in an early age. I missed out on so many things that I am still trying to make up for now.  at age 13 – 14 I was sitting with a feeling that I couldn’t mess up or do anything wrong because my parents had been through enough with my brother. I didn’t want my mom to cry anymore or my dad to get pissed of yet again.  I felt I had to be the good one and not say anything to burden them. (The feeling of having to be the good one I have to say is not just on my brother, because I have two cousins: One same age as my brother and one same age as me and we were all close ( my mom and aunt are twins so we hung out a lot). They were from a small town, but they sure as hell also knew how to get into trouble and make a mess. So from that side as well I felt I had to be the good one, to make up for all the trouble they all got into.  Being good though also made me feel left out because my brother and two cousins would often go to parties together and do other stuff that I would never get invited to. I have never known why, but I always felt like it was because they resented me for “being” like the good one.)
I am hurt that my farther only tells me what he feels when he is so drunk that I am sure he doesn’t remember what he said the next day. One drunken day I asked him if I ever moved abroad would he ever come visit me? ( I lived in Ireland for 2 years and he never came over) and he told me: of course I would love to come visit you, but if you brother wanted to come and he didn’t any money I would give him my ticket.  That was the day I realised that my farther would rather help his son go traveling, then see his own daughter.  It broke me a little inside.
I was tired of my mother talking to me as a friend and not a daughter. She was telling me he fears and frustration about my brother and my farther and I really didn’t want to hear about it, because that was not something you should discuss with your daughter. I was just to afraid to tell her and hurt her feelings.  – Today I don’t mind so much, because I have since then learned to speak my mind and tell her if there is something I don’t’ want to talked about or hear about.

I am  however mostly bitter at my big brother because I don’t think he has a clue just how much his actions effected me and I am sure that he doesn’t give a shit either. I get that he has/had a right to just live his life, but at the same time he is the oldest one. He was supposed to protect his baby sister – and he always said he would kick any guys ass, if he ever hurt me. I just don’t think he knew that he is the one that has hurt me the most. He was supposed to lead, but he never did.
I have always been a good sister , you can ask anyone that knows me. I have lent him money, I have picked him up drunk in the middle of the night, helped him set up dates, tried to help him with his homework. You name it and I think I have almost done it for him and I never got anything in return. I got a brother that when he was  drunk he would get into fights, break my things and never replace them,  smoke in my old room and ruin all the important documents and pictures I had in there, a brother that could never take care of him self.  He made me grow up at 13 and at 27 he is just starting to.

At the moment I am not talking to my brother and I haven’t for almost a yeah now.  I thought I was over everything and it properly had something to do with the fact that I lived in Ireland for 2 years.  I moved back home to my parents upon coming home from Ireland because I didn’t have any money and when I moved back my brother was living there again. Everything was fine in the beginning for the four of us to be living under the same roof again, but after a few months after my brother lost his job. I started to get enough of him and his attitude again. If food wasn’t ready on time he would be irritated, if there wasn’t enough food in the fridge he would get irritated, he would be pissed if he didn’t get to borrow the car yet again or if he couldn’t borrow anymore money.  So one day I just blew up and told him to grow up and get a job and do something with him self instead of playing computer games until 4 o’clock in the morning and sleep the day away. I yelled, he yelled and then he tried to push me out of the room,  just as my dad came up to see what was going on while my mom was hiding in the bathroom, too avoid getting involved. 2 days later my brother moved out and when my mom asked if he needed help, he told her that they never helped him, so why start now or something in those lines. Once again my mom was crying over a ungrateful son.
The day of the fight I realised yet another thing. I went to apologise to my mom for starting the fight, and she told me that she agreed with everything that I said to him, but that if she got involved she would have taken his side, because she didn’t want him to stand alone. That’s when I realised that I have a mother that would always take my brother’s side no matter what.

I am bitter at my family and I am trying to get over It. I will have to say in their defense that for the most part I am happy with the person that I have become. I can take of my self and I am not afraid to do things alone, I hate borrowing money  and I will help anyone that needs my help.. So out of the not do great came something good. If it was not for the bad I would not be who I am today. I am just sad about what I have lost and missed out on and I am hurt that I don’t think any of them have a clue just how hurt I am. I will also say that as mush as I am hurt and so done with my brother at the moment I am also jealous of his care free way. I am jealous that he just do what he wants and doesn’t give a shit about what people thing. I do admire the guy and I know that he is smart, if he want to be. We are also similar in ways that we have no clue what we what to do in life or where we are going. we just take it as it comes and we love to travel and as I write this my brother is having the time of his life in Spain and I can only say it is about time..

The problems with my family is not the only thing that makes me sad, but at the moment it is the biggest ting. I will talk about some of the other things in others post. I just came to a point that I needed to get it out. I was going to talk to them all face to face, but I am to chicken to do it, so I did it here.  I am sorry if this hurts my family if they read this, but this is my mental escape. This is where I say what I trouble saying out loud. I have learned that you need to take the bad with the good and learn from it and at one point you just need to let it go. though it is harder said then done.
I don’t think they know much of it. I do not hate my family and I am sure I don’t have all the stories of why my brother did what he did when he was younger or why my parents did they things they did.

This is just my some of my truth in the story that was my childhood into adult life with my family and I can only tell what I feel and hopefully it will set me free…..

 

 

One comment on “hurtful honesty…

  • Bravo. Proud of you for getting that out clearly. I can relate to a lot of the things you spoke about here. It has made you into the strong person you are though, so you are right in that aspect. I just hope that things work out in your favor. :)

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