hurtful honesty…

Published July 22, 2014 by mizzel21

A few months ago one of my best friends asked me where do I go when I at times just zone out.  I told her that I go no where that I just zone out and that was the truth but not all of it.  I also zone out when things become too much.
After she asked me the question I started to wonder about what I actually said to her and what I was thinking.
You see I  try to be a happy optimistic person, because nothing gives me greater joy than being able to help others or just to put a smile on people’s faces, but what most people don’t see or what I am trying not to let them see is that I can often make myself very sad. I make my self sad because I go into my head a lot. I found out that I am HSP ( Highly Sensitive Person, I will discuss this another time) and that at times makes my thoughts is my worst enemy and not only that but I have a lot of bitterness within me that I have so much trouble letting go. I am working hard at it everyday and at times I can feel like I am letting it all go, but my fear is that I never let it go completely.

One of the bigger bitterness things is my family and here is why:
For the most part I have had a normal childhood. I have parents that loves me and I have a love hate relationship with my brother. I had good friends and I was never bullied, but what people didn’t see or at least I don’t think people noticed besides the close family is all the trouble.

Ahh where to begin…
My brother was the problem child or what some people would say the black sheep in the family. He got in trouble with the law multiple times, he got addicted to drugs for a while, he hung out with the wrong people and just wouldn’t do anything right. He was growing up and being a kid (at the time though not a good one) and with all the trouble he got into my parents got more and more worried and had to watch over him more and more which in the end meant that he got most of the attention and I sort of got left behind.
I grew up quick and I learned fast how to take care of my self and to stay out-of-the-way because I felt like they had enough problems with my brother and I didn’t want to give them more to worry about.
I saw my parents and my brother get into so many arguments and yell at each other so many times that I am too afraid to count. I always knew when things where rally bad because the living room door would always be closed when they needed to discuss really big and heavy things, which again meant I was left in my room to wonder  what had happened this time and I had to keep my self entertain. At times the yelling and tension was too much that I often cried myself to sleep at night.
This circle of life went on for a few years:  My mom crying in the living room, My brother and father at each others throat that at times it  looked like it was gonna get psychical.  I don’t know what changed but my brother turned his life around. Cut all of the wrong people out of his life, stopped the drugs  and got a really sweet girlfriend. He started to enjoy life – but for me the damages was already done and

People always say being the youngest child have it easy, because all the mistakes a parent make they make with the first one cause they have no clue as to what they are doing. Though in my case I think mine did some big ones with us both.
they were babying my brother and they left me alone.
I love my parents but at the same time I am SO bitter toward my family.  I know my parents did they best they could and that they were trying to make everything work, but I am bitter because I was forced to grow up in an early age. I missed out on so many things that I am still trying to make up for now.  at age 13 – 14 I was sitting with a feeling that I couldn’t mess up or do anything wrong because my parents had been through enough with my brother. I didn’t want my mom to cry anymore or my dad to get pissed of yet again.  I felt I had to be the good one and not say anything to burden them. (The feeling of having to be the good one I have to say is not just on my brother, because I have two cousins: One same age as my brother and one same age as me and we were all close ( my mom and aunt are twins so we hung out a lot). They were from a small town, but they sure as hell also knew how to get into trouble and make a mess. So from that side as well I felt I had to be the good one, to make up for all the trouble they all got into.  Being good though also made me feel left out because my brother and two cousins would often go to parties together and do other stuff that I would never get invited to. I have never known why, but I always felt like it was because they resented me for “being” like the good one.)
I am hurt that my farther only tells me what he feels when he is so drunk that I am sure he doesn’t remember what he said the next day. One drunken day I asked him if I ever moved abroad would he ever come visit me? ( I lived in Ireland for 2 years and he never came over) and he told me: of course I would love to come visit you, but if you brother wanted to come and he didn’t any money I would give him my ticket.  That was the day I realised that my farther would rather help his son go traveling, then see his own daughter.  It broke me a little inside.
I was tired of my mother talking to me as a friend and not a daughter. She was telling me he fears and frustration about my brother and my farther and I really didn’t want to hear about it, because that was not something you should discuss with your daughter. I was just to afraid to tell her and hurt her feelings.  – Today I don’t mind so much, because I have since then learned to speak my mind and tell her if there is something I don’t’ want to talked about or hear about.

I am  however mostly bitter at my big brother because I don’t think he has a clue just how much his actions effected me and I am sure that he doesn’t give a shit either. I get that he has/had a right to just live his life, but at the same time he is the oldest one. He was supposed to protect his baby sister – and he always said he would kick any guys ass, if he ever hurt me. I just don’t think he knew that he is the one that has hurt me the most. He was supposed to lead, but he never did.
I have always been a good sister , you can ask anyone that knows me. I have lent him money, I have picked him up drunk in the middle of the night, helped him set up dates, tried to help him with his homework. You name it and I think I have almost done it for him and I never got anything in return. I got a brother that when he was  drunk he would get into fights, break my things and never replace them,  smoke in my old room and ruin all the important documents and pictures I had in there, a brother that could never take care of him self.  He made me grow up at 13 and at 27 he is just starting to.

At the moment I am not talking to my brother and I haven’t for almost a yeah now.  I thought I was over everything and it properly had something to do with the fact that I lived in Ireland for 2 years.  I moved back home to my parents upon coming home from Ireland because I didn’t have any money and when I moved back my brother was living there again. Everything was fine in the beginning for the four of us to be living under the same roof again, but after a few months after my brother lost his job. I started to get enough of him and his attitude again. If food wasn’t ready on time he would be irritated, if there wasn’t enough food in the fridge he would get irritated, he would be pissed if he didn’t get to borrow the car yet again or if he couldn’t borrow anymore money.  So one day I just blew up and told him to grow up and get a job and do something with him self instead of playing computer games until 4 o’clock in the morning and sleep the day away. I yelled, he yelled and then he tried to push me out of the room,  just as my dad came up to see what was going on while my mom was hiding in the bathroom, too avoid getting involved. 2 days later my brother moved out and when my mom asked if he needed help, he told her that they never helped him, so why start now or something in those lines. Once again my mom was crying over a ungrateful son.
The day of the fight I realised yet another thing. I went to apologise to my mom for starting the fight, and she told me that she agreed with everything that I said to him, but that if she got involved she would have taken his side, because she didn’t want him to stand alone. That’s when I realised that I have a mother that would always take my brother’s side no matter what.

I am bitter at my family and I am trying to get over It. I will have to say in their defense that for the most part I am happy with the person that I have become. I can take of my self and I am not afraid to do things alone, I hate borrowing money  and I will help anyone that needs my help.. So out of the not do great came something good. If it was not for the bad I would not be who I am today. I am just sad about what I have lost and missed out on and I am hurt that I don’t think any of them have a clue just how hurt I am. I will also say that as mush as I am hurt and so done with my brother at the moment I am also jealous of his care free way. I am jealous that he just do what he wants and doesn’t give a shit about what people thing. I do admire the guy and I know that he is smart, if he want to be. We are also similar in ways that we have no clue what we what to do in life or where we are going. we just take it as it comes and we love to travel and as I write this my brother is having the time of his life in Spain and I can only say it is about time..

The problems with my family is not the only thing that makes me sad, but at the moment it is the biggest ting. I will talk about some of the other things in others post. I just came to a point that I needed to get it out. I was going to talk to them all face to face, but I am to chicken to do it, so I did it here.  I am sorry if this hurts my family if they read this, but this is my mental escape. This is where I say what I trouble saying out loud. I have learned that you need to take the bad with the good and learn from it and at one point you just need to let it go. though it is harder said then done.
I don’t think they know much of it. I do not hate my family and I am sure I don’t have all the stories of why my brother did what he did when he was younger or why my parents did they things they did.

This is just my some of my truth in the story that was my childhood into adult life with my family and I can only tell what I feel and hopefully it will set me free…..



Graham and Kolstrup

Published March 31, 2014 by mizzel21

I am normally not that much into Danish music. We have a wide range of great artist here in Denmark, but somehow it is just all too mainstream and it all just sounds the same, album after album. I love a lot of the old music and yeah sure I do like a little of the new stuff, but not a lot. There is 2 Danish Singers I want to talk about or “promote” here today. They are Lukas Graham and Mattias Kolstrup from the band Dúné (I am a HUGE fan of Dúné and have been to several of their concerts) but I want to focus on the voices of these two gentlemen.
I love their voices and to me are the best voices in Danish music and have been for awhile. They are in two different styles of music, but if they both were singing the phonebook you would just lean back and listen..

First I want to talk about Mattias Kolstrup aka Matt.
As I said he is the lead singer in the German based, Danish band Dúné.  To me Matt has a voice that is just full of volume and in some ways just smooth. If you really listen to his voice when he sings songs, you will truly believe what he is singing and he has a way of touching you in one way or another and at times he can get a nice gravel sound into his voice that just takes it over the top.
here is a few samples of his amazing talent:

This was one of Dúné  first major hits called 80 years from their first album We Are In There You Are Out Here.

This is from their second album: Enter metropolis and I absolutely LOVE this song, not only because this song means SO much to me and describes a lot about what I am feeling but I also think that Matt’s vocals are stunning on the record.

This is from their Newest album: Wild hearts. This is not the full song, but I really like this acoustic version and it really showcases what Matt can do.

Now  I wan to talk about Lukas Graham. Lukas graham is a band, but the lead singer is also named Lukas Graham.
He is a guy we all knew for being the cute baby brother in the Danish films “krummerne” and none of us expected him to grown up and have such a soulful voice.
He popped up out of nowhere, when a home made video of their first single, showed up on Facebook and was an instant hit.
Lukas had a way of making you feel like you are sitting in the livingroom and he is “telling” a story.. you feel with im weather it is in sadness or in joyfulness. he gets to you and is not afraid of letting his singing “mistakes” if you can call it that be heard on songs, which just gives it more of a relatable feeling.

This is the video where You see the guys just singing early in the morning after a night out ( I am guessing ;))  The version on the album has a bit more of a jazz/ blues feeling to it, which is not bad at all, but I like this version much better. It is just fun and relaxing and you really hear Lukas’s voice with all its power.

This is called: “better than yourself “( criminal part 2)
This song takes of where the song  “Criminal” ended. I love this song and I also really like that you can feel the passion and sorrow that lies within the song. There also comes a point in the song were it almost sounds like his voice is about to break or that there is too much emotion in his voice. That was not meant to happen, but when they recorded the song, Lukas got so caught up in the moment that it actually happened end they decided to leave  it in and I thing the song has become much better for it.

This is “moving alone”
This is not a single. I just really like this song and how clean Lukas voice sounds.

So this is  in my opinion the 2 best voices in Danish music at the moment. They have passion, they sound real, they bring emotions into songs and they make  you dream away.  Its okay if you don’t agree, but I really think you should give them both a chance and maybe even listen to their albums. Look them up on YouTube and you will see their brilliance.
I will leave you with 2 more videos/ songs that are amazing:
The first one is with Dúné and a Danish singer Mads langer ( which is brilliant as well) they sing each others song and give them a small twist.
The second is a song made by a Danish DJ Hedegaard and Lukas provides the beautiful voice to a yet again brilliant song.



inspired by a stranger

Published February 20, 2014 by mizzel21

A few weeks ago I was taking the train from Århus to Silkeborg after Work one night and I ended up having a conversation with a stranger.
He was a guy in his late twenties going to Herning to meet his girlfriend, because they were going to a family birthday party the next day. We talked and joked until I had to get of the train in Silkeborg and it wasn’t until I sat in my car that I realized that I had told him things about my life, that I wouldn’t think I would tell a stranger and he told me a few things about his life as well that I don’t think he was planning on telling me.
I liked our conversation a lot and in the past couple of weeks I have started to realize a few things about my self that I hadn’t noticed before or maybe I just hadn’t thought about before.

So this is 26 things that I have realized or learned about myself, inspired by a conversation with a stranger on a train:

1. I love reading books,  but I can get too emotional involved in whatever book I am reading and actually have to force myself not to read in small periods.

 2. I am not good with small signs or hints. If you hate me just tell me, if you never want to see me again tell me and if you like me just tell me or show me –  Kiss me first chance you get or hold my hand or…

3. I love taking walks in the pouring rain to clear my head

4. I can tell a stranger everything about me, but I withhold when it comes to my friends and the people I care about the most.

5. I can’t sing to save my life, but that is not stopping me from singing at work or mouthing along to songs where ever I go.

6. I not just like, but I LOVE kissing and if I had someone special I would want to kiss them every chance I got.  ( seeing a lot of couple on my way to work made me realize this)

7. I don’t like to plan too much of my life.  I go where the wind takes me.

8. I like to think that I am not a stereo type of every girl on the planet, but I am pretty sure that I am just like everybody else except I hate shopping and I have no clue as to why we need so many bags or shoes???

9.  I am a crier. I can cry over commercials, books, pictures, movies  YouTube videos.

10. I hate kids now, but I would like to have kids in the future, but giving birth scares the S*** out of me!!!

11. I think too much

12.  I LOVE getting presents, but I also like to give them away knowing they can make people happy.

13. I fear change

14.  I forgive, but sadly I never forget.

15. I still get butterflies over a kiss that happened a few weeks ago or a few years.

16.  I can’t picture my life past 30

17.  I am not as good at hiding my emotions on my face, as I thought.

18. I am not worried about ever getting an education

19.  I day-dream WAY too much

20.  I am a person people love telling their stories to. I have gotten people’s life stories at bus stops and though I comment on it as being a bit weird, I secretly love that people feel like they can tell me anything.

21.  I fear the end of the world.

22. I am sad that I am more used to doing things by myself, than having people around to do things with.

23. I love dancing, but I am pretty sure I can’t follow a routine.

24.  I am really a SHY person. (people don’t believe me, but I really am)

25.  If I really don’t want to do something, there is nothing you can do to change my mind, but If I really don’t mind or I really  do want to do something you don’t have to do a whole hell of a lot.

26. But at the same time, sometimes you have to push me if you want something from me, because fear may be holding me back, but if you push to hard I will run in the other direction.

SO these are just 26 of the things I have realized or learned about my self in the past few weeks. I was inspired by a conversation with a stranger on a train, but I noticed these things thinking back over situations of my past but also things that has happened in the last couple of weeks.
It has been really fun and scary at the same time, but I like that I have gotten to know a few things about myself a wee bit better than I did before and even though I am not to happy about some of the things I realized I am still glad that I know them.

My advice:
Go and talk to a stranger and see what happens. Go and see what you might discover about yourself and if nothing happens, well then you have just had a conversation with a stranger ;)



Published January 28, 2014 by mizzel21

There is three groups of people when it comes to tattoos:

1. The people that see it as a beautiful and sometimes artful thing. Something that can be personally to them and they get to carry it around with them everyday,.

2. Others think it is something that should be banned and when they see people with tattoos they assume straight away that those people are a bad influence or criminals.

3.  The people who like tattoos, but they would never get ones themselves.

I belong to the fist group.
I think that tattoos can be a beautiful thing, that they can save you and even keep memories alive whether it is memories about people  you have lost in your life, tough times you have overcome or just good times that you don’t want to forget.  I just got two more tattoo, which now means that I have 4 tattoos in total. I got my first 5 months after I turned 18 and the last 2 I got a week ago.

The first tattoo I ever got was of a scorpion on my left shoulder-blade.
I got this one because I am a Scorpio and I think that for the most part the description of a Scorpio fits me pretty well. Shocker right?!
and at the time I had also lost 10 kg.

The second one I got was a small sky with stars.
I really love the stars and the beauty they bring on cloudless nights where you can see it all and they remind me that the universe is really big and the idea that I am just one tiny part of this world both scares me and intrigues me. I just love the wonder of the stars and I can look at them for hours and get lost in them.


belfast This is my 3rd tattoo that I got on my right wrist.
It is the city names and the year/ years that I lived in that city. It is only two cities at the moment but I hope that over the years I can put more on there.
It is not all cities that will end up here. No, these are cities that somehow changed my life or me forever. They gave my new friends, life lessons, loads of memories and they help me on my way to get to know my self a little better. They are cities that means something to me and not just places that I have been.





you don't This is my 4th tattoo and it is on my left arm. If you can’t read it, it says: ” you don’t have to find out you’re dying to start living”.
I got this because it is a reminder that I have needed a lot in my life. I got this now, because I could feel that I was beginning to fall back into a bad mind-set that I spend the last 2 years trying to get over and moving back home where nothing, yet everything is still the same except from me hasn’t helped.. I am far from the same person that I was when I left 2 years ago.
I really like the me and the person that I have become, but coming home I have realized that my expectations, standards and ideas about friends, family, work and life is not the same as everyone else. So I have to learn not to 1. Not compare my self to other people’s lives. 2. That what is not my idea of life, may be someone else and that is okay and 3. That I should not feel bad about how I live my life.
With this tattoo I get reminded that each day I can live it like I will. If it means that to me life is about movies and music, then I will watch them and listen to music all day if I want to and not feel bad that I didn’t run a marathon that day, but it is also a reminder that I want to discover new things. I want to go to concerts of people who I have no clue who are and I want to see art shows, to see if I can get inspired, I want to take weekend trips to see the world or at least the Europe that I haven’t seen.
This is a reminder that will save my life and save me from my self. (it sounds heavy I know, but I was not in a good place a few years ago, I am better now, but I don’t want to fall back)

As you can tell all four tattoos means something to me in one way or another, though the last one holds the most meaning to me. I only get tattoos, that has a meaning behind it for me, because this way I am sure that I won’t regret them when I get older. So far I don’t regret any of them and I don’t think I ever will.

I have no problem with people getting tattoos that they just think are funny or they just think will look amazing as a tattoo, trust me I have one or two things that I think would be cool as a tattoo, but I can’t find reasons to get them or give them a meaning, so I know I will regret them later on. I have loads of respect for the people who can get tattoos without meanings behind them, I wish I had their courage, I really do.

I get that tattoos are not for everyone. I mean my own dad doesn’t get when I keep getting more tattoos, but once you get one tattoo it won’t be long until you start thinking about the next one.. trust me! Me and my friends  keep getting more and more even though we say stop all the time, it’s just not happening! and though I like tattoos, I would never force anyone to get them unless they are completely sure, because it is something that will be with you forever.. unless you get it removed, but I heard that it hurts like a B****!!

So when people ask me about getting tattoos, I tell them that sure it can hurt to get them, but the result can be amazing. Be sure that what you are thinking about getting is just the right thing for you and not just because you saw it on somebody else. Don’t be afraid to tell the Tattoo artist if you like what they have done with your idea or not, because it will be on your body and not theirs but just listen to their advise, because they do know what they are talking about ;)
My best advice: Make sure it matters. Make sure it means something, that way you will never regret it.

Love and relationships

Published January 17, 2014 by mizzel21


I have 3 ex-boyfriends, been In love twice and said “I love you” once.

Sadly all of my relationships never lasted more than a moth and a half each and even though they never lasted any longer I still had the experience of being in love and have once felt that love back.
I know nothing about how a real relationship works, because all of mine have all been short and most would have called our time the honeymoon period, but I have still had the pleasure of having been in love. It is a beautiful and sometimes a painful thing yet something not everyone gets to experience in their life. So I feel grateful to have had the experience twice in my short 23 years of life.

Something you should know about me before I go on is that I have a hard time saying ” I love you” out loud and mean it in a real way. I can say it for fun and joking matter and even write it down no problem but when it comes to saying it out loud for some reasons unknown to me, I find it very hard saying it when it really have to count. This is not just to any guy I might fancy, no it is also hard to say to family members and friends.
My mom tells me all the time that she loves me and I just can’t say it back. so I always end up saying “me to” or “ditto”. I know I love my mom and the rest of my family and friends, but I just can’t – maybe it is thrown around to easily these days, even though it is still not said enough. ( I know double moral right!? but you catch my drift…)
I think maybe the reasons why I just can’t say it, is because I want it to mean something when I say it. I want it to matter and people to know I really mean it when I say it. Another reason is that I might just be too scared to say it knowing that it can hold so many promises that might end up getting broken?

I have said ” I love you” to two ex-boyfriends, meant it once and the ex boyfriend I didn’t say it to, was the first person I wanted to tell it to.

My first relationship, I went into for the wrong reasons. He was my first boyfriend and I have since then learned, that I went into the relationship with the idea of having a boyfriend. He was and still is a lovely guy and  he means a lot to me for different reasons, but when I told him I loved him, I only said it because I wanted to say to it to somebody and I didn’t want to hurt him when he said it first. It may sound harsh but as much as I care for him, the whole thing was just wrong. We were too different and had different ideas about how a relationship worked.

A  year or two later I meet my second ex-boyfriend at a mutual friends house party. I was drunk as HELL and a friend of his came up and talked to me on his behalf. It was kinda cute, but I couldn’t believe that he wanted to talk to me because he was one of the hot guys at the party, so I walked away and went outside to get some air, cause yeah I was THAT drunk. Not long after, he came outside and sat with me and we chatted until we were too cold.  So we went inside  and before long we ended up holding hand and making out on the couch and from the first moment we kissed I wanted to tell him I loved him. I could feel it to my bones even though I really didn’t know anything about the him.
Sometimes I think I was crazy for feeling that way, but I knew it with all of my heart from that first night we meet I loved him. I never told him this and I am not sure that he ever knew how I really felt and a  month and a half into our relationship he broke up over messenger ( shitty way to do it right !?!) I went nom right away and it took me a few hours before it hit my smack in the face. I broke DOWN!! This was my first time I had my heart-broken and it hurt like hell!!It took me about a year to get over him and to this day I can still feel a bit of a sting and I think part of me always will because he was my first love and for that I am grateful.
For some of you this might be hard to understand and it might even sound crazy and I can understand why. I never believed in love at first “kiss” until it happened to me. It just hits you and unless you have tried it, it can be a concept that is hard to grasp.

My third relationship was a case of wrong timing. I meet him during my travels in Ireland. It was not love at first sight, but he was the first person I said ” I love you” to and meant it. Our relationship started slow with a lot of flirting and when it finally became more than just flirting, he had to go back home and I had to stay in Ireland.  A few days or weeks later ( can’t remember) I followed him back to his home country and that’s when I knew I loved him although we didn’t say it until moths later when he came back for a visit.  As I said in the beginning our relationship was  kinds doomed from the start, because it never fully took off before an ocean split us apart. We were young and broke and many things just didn’t go our way. So in the end we decided to end the relationship. I have to admit that sometimes it feels like he only agreed or suggested to call it quits was because of me and not because he wanted to at the time. I never told him this and I might have been completely wrong, but sometimes you just get that feeling you know?

I learned something about my self and a few life lessons from all three relationships. I don’t regret them and I will never forget them. I hold all three guys dear to my heart for what they have given me in the time they were in my life and I wish them all the best with their current relationships which BTW, they have all been in since a few months after we broke up… coincidence maybe, but I can’t help but to feel a little like Dane cook in the movie “Good luck chuck” ;) haha

I am bad at the dating game, I am bad at flirting, I never catch the small hints , I have no idea how I am in a relationship, but I love the feeling when a crush goes from a crush to love or just straight into love.
I don’t believe in one soul mate. I believe that we have several soul mates through our lives. People that will fit perfect for a time. That will challenge us, push us, help us and just love us until it is time for us to part.
Some people only have one soul mate and some people have several through their lives.

There is nothing more beautiful and painful as love. I have tried both sides of love and even though the painful part can be excruciating, I will still go through it again and again because then I will get to feel the beautiful part over and over and over. I like being in love and I am the kind of person that loves with all of my heart. I like getting the butterflies when thinking of a person or that a simple memory can bring a smile to my face that will stay there for the rest of the day. I love having a person that just wants to hold me and hung me and kiss me as much as possible and I like to think that I can give the same thing back, because there is no greater feeling than love.


Me and sex and being sexy

Published January 12, 2014 by mizzel21

There is something I have been wanting to talk about for a while now, but I have always been to scared to because of who might read it and what they might think, but then I remembered that this is my place where I can talk about all the things I fear, love, hate, find interesting or just on min mind.

So todays topic: me and sex and being sexing. ( so if you don’t what to hear about my thought on me being sexy and some info on my sex life. Just stop now!)

In this day and age ( look at me sounding old at 23!!)) sex is all around us. It is used in most commercials, used in loads of films  and are  discussed all over the media and social networks about what is sexy and what is not.
It is pressured onto us in so many forms that it becomes normality and it twist our minds to a certain extent and especially the younger generations, but this is not what I wanted to talk about, I wanted to talk about my self when it comes to this subject

I have never thought that I was beautiful or sexy and no I am not just saying this, to get sympathy. I have just never felt beautiful or sexy and the few times I might have found me self looking sexy, someone has quickly crushed that idea. I am cute and sweet in the girl next door kinda way. At first realizing this made me feel sad but after a while I was okay with it.  I like it, because sometimes the girl next door is just what a guy needs and even though I need to loose some weight I am still cute and sweet looking and I am totally okay with this.

Now when it comes to sex I am a mess! just to say It mildly, I wish I wasn’t and it can frustrate me so much sometimes that I simply don’t know what to do.
The truth is that sex scares me SO MUCH. The few experiences I have had with it has only hurt and it has hurt so much that is now scares me to go back.  The guys that I have tried with have been sweet guys. I just think that maybe they were too drunk, just as new to this as I were/are or they were to eager and didn’t think that I might not be at the same level as them, but at the same time I can’t blame them completely because I should just have spoken my mind and let them know either where I was at or just let them now that it hurt, but I never did.
The funny thing is that there is nothing wrong with my fantasies about sex, ohh no it is pretty much there  and a game for most things, but when I am in a situation with a guy, my mind just stops everything.
It makes me feel bad, because there have been a few guys that have just done it for me. Everything about them made me feel good or turned me on  and I could just feel that I wanted nothing more then to just rip his clothes of or if he was already in his underwear just have fun with him but when we get down to more then fooling around, I started to freak out  (in my head), because I was scared that it might actually come down to sex and I was and still am to scared or embarrassed to tell them why I freak out. Which sucks, because this is something that I should be honest about. But if I tell them I am sure they will laugh at my or make me feel weird and that is something I fear even more.
When I start to freak out I always stop it no matter how much I would want to go on, but once the block in my head has pop up it is hard to make it disappear and when I stop I always say ” sorry I am just not the type of girl that just sleeps with a person she just meet” or “I don’t do one night stands”. I just wonder how would I know since I have never tried it ?  Maybe I am really NOT that kinda girl, but I in reality I really don’t know.

When all this is said; I don’t need to be in love to go from the bad feelings to the good ones (though it would be nice ). I just want somebody that won’t laugh at me, but  help me through it and maybe even teach me a few tricks ;) somebody that would be okay with all of me and my inexperience.

Sex is not something I talk too much about and this is mostly the reason why. It is hard to talk about something that seems so easy for everybody else. Most of my friends and the people I know, never had this fear about it, so I am pretty sure they don’t fully get where I am coming from. I know sex is something that should be good and fun, but I haven’t gotten to this part yet.
I am not really sure how many people I have told this too, but I am sure more people are shocked to find this out about me, because when you meet me, I will go along with all the jokes and I get all the references, so people won’t suspect anything.

It all just sucks, but the reason why I decided to write about this and share this now, is because I have been thinking about this for a long time now and I can’t keep it out of my head until I talk to somebody or write it down.
It still scares me to share it, but somehow it helps a bit as well and maybe I won’t be the only one feeling like this  or have ever felt like this or maybe I help somebody else to open more up, because in a world filled with sex everywhere we go, it should still have it’s magical moments.


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