Its funny how much you can change and figure out in 6 moths of living alone.
It was a long road to living on my own but I love the way I did it. Instead of just moving out of my parent’s house and on my own. I moved from my parents to a Hostel with 90 other people and sharing a room with my 2 big sisters, to living in a house with 7 people, to a flat with 1 roommate, then back to my parents and now I am finally on my own and despite the fear I had about living alone and having to handle everything myself , I can honestly say that I love it. I just turned 24 and have now lived on my own for about 7 months and I am amazed at how much I have learned and realized about my self and about my life and who I am. It was hard in the beginning because I was not used to having so much time alone and it kinda scared me, because I could feel myself fall into the bad habit of thinking too much and dragging myself down. So one day I decided to just stop. I was tired of making my self sad and depressed. I learned to stop myself before the thinking got too serious. I would listen to some music, go for a walk or just clean my flat. This brings me to why I am writing this evening. I wanted to share some of the things I learned so far:
- I learned that the most important relationship in your entire life is the one you have with your self. Treat your self to some flowers or buy your self something you always wanted or cook yourself a nice meal. I have learned that the little things that I do for my self are the best way to keep me smiling in the long run.
- I can’t change how my childhood was or how my Parents handled things but I have come to realize that they did they best that they could and if I say so myself I didn’t turn out that bad. Sure I have some issues, who doesn’t? And I am not perfect but then again who is?
- The older I get the more I realize things from my childhood. Something’s are good and some not so good, sure I have forgiven my parents, but there are still things I am bitter and hold a grudge about but the thing with that is.: They are my grudges to let go. People can’t change what they did or why they did it and neither can I. but I can make sure that I will be okay with all in the long run this is a slow process but it is working. - Sex still scares me. I have told a few guys about my fear of sex. (This is not a secret if you read some of my perverse blogs). We’ve talked openly about it, nothing was left out and the more we would talk about it the freer and relaxed I became. Even if it was just a friend or a date that never became more than a date. I feel like the few times I have talked about it a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and the pressure to have sex felt away. We could go in my speed and they would be okay with it. I still haven’t had sex since that day many years ago, but I am letting my guard down more and more and I also realized that it doesn’t have to be a boyfriend that helps me. No It could be anybody as long as we were comfortable and could maybe joke about it instead of making things awkward when things might go wrong. As long as we where honest about the good and bad stuff then, almost anybody would do ;)
- I am a dreamer at heart, but I am also a realist. I dream all the time that Mr Grey would come into the store and change my life, that I am the one winning the lottery or that I would invent something that would change the world or fast-forward to the point where I lost weight so that I would be skinny But this is where my realism comes into play. I know I won’t win the lottery without buying a ticket, I won’t lose weight without doing the work and I am so not smart enough to change the world, but girl can dream, can’t she?
- For some reason if I am talking to a guy and I think there might be more to our relationship than friends, then I start to freak out. I don’t know how to handle myself or know what to do. It’s like I panic and start to think that they wouldn’t like me, they will run scared when they would see me naked, they would think I was too dumb to carry a conversation etc. its like when it comes to being intimate I back out and I am ” shit I can’t do this!” and then just cut the person out. I have no idea why that is, because I am a very open person but when it comes down to the intimate part of getting to know one another I need us to do it as friends first. Build a friendship first and then feeling might develop. It has happen to me a few times before and for some reason this is more relaxing for me.
- I know I am overweight. I have stretch marks and have had them since I was 15 years old. They will never go away and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate it but I have come to terms with it. I have never been comfortable in my own skin and never liked me without clothes on, but I am learning to love myself. One way is to do the small stuff for myself and the other is to look myself in the mirror and say “You might not be a model, but you look good that way you are and hey it could be a lot worse!!
- I find guys who can plan an instrument really sexy! It can be any instrument but if he can play wither, drums, keyboard/piano or guitar then he just got 10 times more hot! I hope one day I might find a guy that can help me learn how to play my guitar that I got as a gift a few years ago. - I have learned that if my day of heaven is sitting on the couch and watching movies and not being out rocky climbing or saving the world, then that is okay. I can’t live my life like someone else’s. This is my life and I am getting better at accepting it and making it better J – I realized I love making people happy and being there for them. If I can make you smile by doing a silly dance, give you a hug or making fun of myself. Then I would happily do it. It really puts a smile on my face and love in my heart, knowing I made your day better by being in it. It is the same if I am doing a job or doing a favor, that I do it so well that you are impressed by me and that I in some way have pleased you. That only makes me want to do it more, because I am happy that I did such a good job, that I made you life easier or just took a little weight of your shoulders.
- I have learned to just say fuck it! With most things. I say this to either just go for things I want or just to let the small things go. Life is just short to make the small stuff your world and sometimes I just need the push to just go for it. So my new saying is:
AGH FUCK IT!
SO this was just some of the things I learned about myself and I know I will continue to learn and I hope that maybe you get inspired to help yourself? Feel free to ask me anything if you need answers to things I have written about or if you are confused about something.
Now go and learn about yourself – You might just change your life!